Nicole. Robert. Chloe. Charlet.

The smartest woman alive. The scribe with the freak vibe. The cutest dog in all America. The demon prodigy.

All of us, with the exception of Charlet, were born close to the Atlantic Ocean: Florida and Virginia. Nicole spent most of her life in Florida, whereas Robert moved all over the country before settling in Illinois. We met in Chicago in September 2003. She started a new job in the same hotel office he worked in. Slowly over the next year and a half, we shifted from hanging out in groups with our fellow coworkers to hanging out on our own. “Charlet! NO!” Sorry. Had to yell at the puppy. Anyway. Dinner, movies, bars, slouching on the couch, whatever. We had a lot of fun together. Time passed, and we lived our lives as friends. Meanwhile, Chloe always seemed obsessed with him. Perhaps she was fascinated with his severe allergic reactions to her.

The first hint of change in our collective mind about the future arrived on Valentine’s Day, 2005. She had proposed we go out that evening. Ostensibly billed as an anti-date, the day ended up being much more memorable than either of us had expected. A can of beer, a rose, a snarky card, a brief visit to an informal soccer game, grizzly bears wearing flannel underneath a jackalope, and our first dance to, ironically, ‘Crazy’ by Patsy Cline. “Charlet! NO!” Sorry. Although we couldn’t act on it right away, a little spark ignited in both of us that night.

After that, we progressed with more phone calls and more plans, albeit very, very slowly. We both had to let go of our past to realize that we could make a wonderful future together. By Memorial Day, we were dating. At that point, our little spark turned into a raging inferno. There was no stopping us.

He moved into her apartment (along with her current roommate) in August 2005. We were on our own by May 2006. We knew all along the direction we were going, and we made that journey together the entire way. “Charlet! NO!” Sorry. There was no doubt, no more reason to wait, nowhere we wanted to go but forward. Our love and our happiness were so simple, and so was his proposal. On June 3, 2006, in their apartment, as she walked back from the kitchen, he knelt on one knee. “Charlet! NO!” Sorry. He looked her in the eyes and improvised his thoughts and feelings of love and adoration, and his desire to spend the rest of his life with her. Later, she wouldn’t remember anything he said, she was so overwhelmed with joy. Through tear-stained eyes she looked upon him as he asked her to marry him. Her reply was immediate: “Absolutely!”

That, relatively briefly, is our story so far. We are married now, and we’re looking forward to the rest of our lives. “Charlet! NO!” Sorry. Anyway, our wedding isn’t the only happy ending and beginning: Robert eventually stopped sneezing every time Chloe was near. In fact, Chloe probably kisses him more often than his wife does! On the other hand, at least Nicole doesn’t give doggy kisses…

Speaking of doggies, Charlet was probably born somewhere in a very hot place, because she is a little tiny demon with prodigous powers of torture and pain. Sometimes she will scream with the power of a banshee, at such a piercing volume that she has successfully blown ear drums, broken windows, and caused buildings to be condemned. She also deprives sleep to anyone within a fifteen mile radius. The neighborhood hates us. Charlet is the Destroyer, also known as Destructor, laying waste to all socks, toilet paper, floors, wicker baskets, and cable wires that cross her path.

But damn, she is cute! Charlet purposefully emits dander that can turn a small child into a four-foot sneezing hive. Beware her open mouth! Many puppies bite, but she is part-demon. Her teeth extend from her jaw like a snake to provide maximum puncture. Her claws can cut diamonds. But she’s friendly and loves to play! She leaves liquid landmines and invisible turds. She thinks “No” means “Bite harder!” She shreds souls and pantyhose.

Witness her attack:

Thankfully, though, she’s getting better.

I’d write more, but Charlet is dragging my flip flop under the couch. “Charlet! NO!”